With Chris Sale now off to the Red Sox, Adam Eaton off to the Nationals and rumors of the (very sensible) impending departures of Jose Quintana, Todd Frazier, Jose Abreu and anyone not under the age of 25, the White Sox are officially entering a full-on rebuild for the first time in forever. Their farm system is suddenly stacked and the future looks bright. But there’s another side to this, and it’s the excavated roster that will be trotted out for a long 2017 season. It’s going to suck.
All of the good players you’ve grown attached to over the past few seasons are soon to be in confusing new uniforms, in horrible foreign cities like Boston, Denver and Washington D.C. It’s likely to be the longest and least interesting season of White Sox baseball you’ve ever experienced, somehow featuring more Avisail Garcia than the FDA should legally allow.
But not all hope is lost. As a good number of you are well aware, my second favorite sports team is the Illinois Fighting Illini football team because I am a man incapable of true happiness. But a lifetime of watching Illinois football listlessly change course every five years in an increasingly quixotic attempt to become something better, while losing rivalry games to Purdue and Northwestern has prepared me wonderfully for watching the White Sox tank towards ultimate glory. I’m here now to help you through these dark times with helpful hints and suggestions.
1. Ironically adopt a new favorite player
Sure, Garcia has done nothing but break hearts and sow seeds of disappointment over the past 1,600 or so odd plate appearances, but this is the year he finally puts it all together. Batting clean-up. While you cry.
2. Drink heavily
Do you know how many good beers there are in the world now? Like, a billion! Many are even on sale a Guaranteed Rate Field! You could try a new one every night and still not run out of options until well after the All-Star Break. Or maybe you like wine (you weirdo). There are at least three different types of wine and you could drink them all. What a world!
3. Develop other hobbies to distract yourself
You’re going to find that you’ll still turn the games on, but only pay a marginal amount of attention to what is actually happening on your screen. Maybe you only pay attention when Tim Anderson hits, or runs, or is just on screen in some form, and that’s fine. You can use the rest of your attention on developing new skills. Maybe you’ll exercise more during baseball games. Maybe you’ll write free-form poetry. Maybe you’ll create 8-bit versions of your favorite fictional characters out of Perler beads. The possibilities are endless now that your evenings are semi-freed up!
4. Embrace the dark void in your soul where good baseball use to be
Try not to do this one too often. Good luck.
5. Learn fun things about the White Sox’s farm system
There are a bunch of teams with non-silly names that you will now care far more about than you ever thought possible. The Sox traditionally haven’t had much happening in the minors and you could be forgiven for only looking at one or two players per team. That’s about to change in a very good and interesting way.
6. Spend more time with family and loved ones
They miss you. Call them more, you selfish oaf.
7. Realize how much time you’ve spent watching a once rudderless team finally decide to do the right thing and get quite mad about it
Once more, don’t do this one too often. You’ll need sucrulfate and that stuff tastes terrible.
Lead Image Credit: Rick Osentoski // USA Today Sports Images